Friday, May 2, 2014

Getting my shit together

I'm kinda glad I started this blog.
It's only a once every now and then arrangement, but that's only because I generally need to get something off my chest when I do.
It's liberating, to discuss your problems with the universe. A global address to those you hold dear, and I know what you're going to say.

It has, indeed been a while. Great to see you. You've changed a bit since we last spoke, for the better, i'd like to think.
Come in, sit down. Would you like a cup of coffee?
Erm...I don't really have tea.
If you'd like, I can make you a coffee that will dissolve your teeth?
Alright, only one for me then.
Allow me to update you on what has happened in my life since, almost a year ago.

I think I fell in love. That happened.
Maybe it was nothing but a stupid fling that I ended up getting too attached over, but boy did it feel strong. A regular Summer Lovin'.
I hate myself for that reference. For all intent and purposes, I do not like Grease.

Anyway, this girl. Let's call her: Maye. I met Maye at a mutual friends party. At this point I was not really looking forward to going. I knew how these things began and ended. I get drunk, talk to a lot of people, pass out somewhere and wake up not having made any progress towards true happiness (because i'm Buddha). So, I was ready to not go.
I was watching the Godfather with a good friend of mine, and we were debating on whether to go or not, because the time was already approaching 10. To all that haven't seen it, it's amazing. Watch it.
In the end, my love for this birthday girl was too much to forgo, and I convinced my friend to put on her least cat-like hessian bag attire, and we left for the party in Wilson.
Upon arrival, things were already in full swing. Well, more towards the end of the party, when the girl that had been drinking hard earlier was already passed out at the toilet bowl, and the barbecue was only just being turned on.
Getting the bearings for the party, my friend and I hovered around the gate entrance and mingled with any and all that came near.
I don't accurately remember the point that I met Maye. A background memory tells me it was near the barbeque. My previous experience said "Hey, fuckwit, hang out near the barbeque and impress people with your knowledge". I obliged myself in the non-sexual manner, and struck up conservation with a short, really cute girl.
Conversation was a river flowing effortlessly between film and music and literature and all things apart from barbeques. I brought up "The Godfather" and how great it was, and she hadn't seen it. Silly Maye.
Her hand rested on my knee, and I realized that my "flirting" and *cough* CHARM, was working. I was into this girl and she, for some reason, was into me.
She grabbed my phone after we looked up the IMDB's top 250 films of all time (because that's my go to reference for all my wanky flirting needs), and added her number to my limited supply of numbers held in the phone.
"We should totally watch a movie sometime."
Fuck yeah we should. We should make out over the corpses of my fallen enemies against a setting sun near the ocean as a dragon lifts us towards oblivion.
After we had spent the majority of the party chatting, it was time for myself and cat-hoarder 9000 to leave (she's going to kill me for that one).
Maye was adorable and followed me around as I said goodbye to 90% strangers, just for another cuddle.
It was probably one of the most flattering, lovely nights I ever had. It got better though.

I took her to an Italian restaurant on our first date, then The Godfather back at mine. Maye fell asleep in my arms. I don't think i've ever had that experience before that point. It was glorious.
I'm not going to go into too much detail from that point on. I don't think the feelings I had could be portrayed well. There was hope, and fuzz. A lot of fuzzy feelings. It was all sickeningly happy.
But don't fret. I wouldn't be writing on here if there wasn't a miserable ending.

Mis-communication and bad timing led to a rather abrupt end around the time of 2013 Big Day Out.
It was crushing.
I finally felt what true despair felt like. I would wake up in the morning with that sore lump in your throat you only get from repressed feelings of sadness. Nothing I did would get rid of it. Going to work sucked and I didn't talk to anyone for fear of breaking down in front of them for something that sounded stupid.
My feelings, I feel, were justified, even for the short amount of time the affair lasted. For once, I met someone I actually liked, and could see a relationship forming. I could see her being introduced to my friends, my family. I could see myself having an absolute blast with her all the time.
Anyway, things kept going off and on until things went sour. It stands as the happiest and saddest i've felt in my life. That's love, yo.

Before all this happened, I had a massive breakdown too. The last post on my blog was some stupid shit about there being a void or a hole I can't stop falling through. So arty, Andrew. Well done. Super dooper.
I signed up for an internet dating site and had to fill out all these details about myself, my income, everything. It was a paid service, at a friend's advice, because he had some success with it.
I hadn't ever truly dived into the realm of full blown online dating, so I was apprehensive.
I paid 120 dollars, sorted through my list of girls, and waited for the matches.
I did this everyday for 4 weeks, with not a single match. That was the point I think I lost myself. I had a view of myself that I was unique and funny and well liked. My rocket powered by ego ran out of gas, and I crashed through the pavement of misery.
It still brings up strong feelings of overwhelming sadness just to recount it. I think it was the first time I was given a real representation of myself. No bullshit, no dressing or humor. I was undesirable, and I had proof.
I have romanticized throughout my life that I could be happy with someone, and everything would be like a movie. People around me found love easy enough, I felt. There wasn't much to it observing from the outside. One day you meet at a party, the next you're in a relationship. I was funny. I was smart. I thought I was good looking enough for somebody. Anybody. People just didn't get a good idea of who I was at parties because I didn't have the opportunity to show myself. They didn't know me, only my appearance. I guess, I accepted that I wasn't the best looking guy, but my personality was at least fun and unique enough to attract girls. This was the proof that I wasn't great in anything; at all.

So fell into a pretty deep slump. I cut off contact with people, stopped eating and didn't go to work. Friends and family worried but I didn't care. I was unsuccessful, ugly and useless. They would be better off without me as their friend.
After about a month of reassurance, talking and medication, I picked myself up. Since then I guess i've become more resilient. I also feel that, after this little episode, the meeting of Maye was all the more powerful and emotionally lifting, and the end was a bit harder than it would have normally been.

I also saw the collapse of my job life. A stupid decision to raise the borrow amount of a company ended up costing me my employment, as they went under, we lost almost a million, and they needed to cut staff. I lost my job, and to this date, almost 8 months later, I haven't been able to find a full time job. It's frustrating as all hell, and has once again dragged me to a place I didn't want to end up. Having an income is paramount to happiness in modern civilization. To quote 2Pac: Mo' Money, Mo' Bitches.
And for me to be happy, I need to feel like i'm progressing to a better version of myself. Sitting here, waiting for someone to accept me for an interview, is painful and humiliating. Talking to girls as an unemployed male is like conspiring treason. I'm going to get caught out soon enough. They'll ask me what I do for a living, and i'll either have to lie and say "I'm a decent guy" or tell the truth. That's horrible.
And If there's one thing I know about myself, it's that my pining heart will always need love or unhappiness will follow.

For the future, i'm hoping that I can begin studying in Computer science next year. The great thing is, the next post on here will more than likely feature a beaten man explaining how the world was out to get him and nothing worked out the way it needed to. Not sure if i'll ever grow out of it, which is scary. I can't be depended on for things. I can see myself reflecting on my choices at 40 wondering where all my time went. Why I didn't get to have kids. Why i'm still on minimum wage and renting. Why I haven't traveled. Why my dating site has become Craigslist and i'm posting dick pics.
I feel i'm running out of time to choose a direction before I get too tired to complete the journey.
Fucking 25, right?

Here's to getting your shit together.