Saturday, October 6, 2012

Ghosts

I've been having days where I wake up in the morning, look at myself in the mirror and think, "Shit yeah, you look good today. Things are looking up. Today is the day things change for you. You're on top of the world". Then I'll head into the world and be reminded of what other humans look like. "Oh, fuck. THAT'S what other people look like." It instantly pulls me back to reality, and destroys my confidence. When I then see myself in the mirror, It's entirely different. I see the weird growths taking up the left side of my face, the chubby cheeks, the rounded jawline. All the unmasculine things. I can convince myself i'm a good looking guy when I have only myself to compare to. Myself and my ugly roommate.
My roommate, the crackpot, serves as a constant reminder for me that some people do in fact, die alone. They serve no noble cause, leave no inspirational legacy, bear no children and date no women. He serves as an inspiration not to become him. Each night, when I leave my hovel of a man cave in search of sustenance  and see him at his shitty laptop computer, drinking iced coffee and "researching", it drives me not to ever become him. I'm intimidated by the fact that, if someone said sucking dick could cure cancer, he'd be busting down my door any second. So, i'm actively making steps to avoid becoming him, alone at 50.
I've recently become the member of a dating site, for instance  My second dating account. Only this time, I paid for it. I forked over money in the hope it'll be different to free sites. So far, it hasn't been any different. It's been static. It even tells you when someone views your profile, so I know when someone takes notice of me, but still chooses to not make contact. Thanks so much. The sweetener is, that I paid for this.
They ask you a lot of deep seeded questions about you as a person, how you think of yourself and how much money you earn. My first thought after answering the questions was "Oh god, i'm going to die alone". Again, I paid for that. I can't tell you how depressing it is to log in every time and see no activity under my updates list. Not even someone looking at my profile. I even know that it gets sent out. Each day, it gets sent out to at least one other human being as part of their matches. And I get nothing. It begs the question, what number am I? To be ignored by 95% of the female population, excluding my Nanna after her 4th drink, how unattractive can I actually be? I know i'm far from being Jon Hamm (which, in a perfect world, would be the ideal man), but surely I can't be that bad. For one thing, and this may be the only time i'll compliment myself, I find my personality to be far bigger than any other male i've met. I'm sure everyone thinks that of themselves though. It's what makes us human.
I was talking with a friend recently about the theory of a reacher and a settler. The person in each relationship who is the reacher, who ends up with someone higher than themselves, and the settler, someone who feels they've gone for someone a little less than they could have gotten. I feel, in a relationship with me, both of us are going to feel like settlers. This is the worst situation for a relationship. I feel I might be brainwashed from all the females I spend time with, as to the type of girl I will eventually want to call my wife. This girl will need to be better than said girls, without a doubt. That's love, right? But, I can't see myself doing better than the girls I have as friends. They seem to be the best, most desirable women in all the world. And who wants to be in a relationship with a guy that thinks his female friends to be better than her? No-one. I feel i've shot myself in the foot by hanging out with people who are generally, leagues ahead of myself. Who associate with people who go onto great things, and do great things themselves. I'm accepted into a circle miles above the circle i'm supposed to be in.
I'm trying to make my life go in a certain direction, to keep up with my friends and share our successes, but I keep falling behind. Things keep getting in my way. Stupid things, normally from my past. To my credit, I haven't had a child with anyone, which would be a huge setback. Not to my credit, I haven't really had an opportunity to. Truth be told, it's been at least a year since I last kissed a girl. I don't want to mention anything else, for fear that the 4 people a day in the US and Canada think i'm a real fuck up. That's right, I see you viewing my page, waddup?!?!
All in all, it's darkest before the dawn, but the dawn had better come soon. Right now, i'm in a place that isn't beneficial to anyone. I'm ignored by most of the female population, living with a ghost of my future self, surrounded by reminders of my own failure and watching my life stagnate. All I need as some goddamn profile activity!

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