Sunday, April 29, 2012
I don't know what I'm doing any more. Over the last few months I've witnessed my life crumble around me and my foothold slip from what I have built, and can see myself falling backwards in slow motion, about to hit the lowest point in my life. Granted my progress hasn't been much, so it is the equivalent of tripping over the side walk and stubbing your toe, but to me it feels like a black pit and I'm getting stuck at the bottom. And god it's lonely down here. Not sure if I'm a fragile, needy person or I'm legitimately alone, or my withdrawal from alcohol is effecting my mental health, but my need to have people around me is constant. However, when I do have people with me, it never seems to fill this void. It's a sign I've been single too long. People have been telling me all my life that you don't need a girlfriend. And it's true in theory. I still wake up in the morning, eat excessively, then sleep it off without any romantic aid needed. I don't think I'd be any better in Battlefield with a girlfriend around telling me I'm getting too fat. For some people though, that's exactly what they want. It's what I want. I have a strong urge to have someone help me get off my ass and put the leftovers in a container, then put that container in the fridge, instead of leaving it on the counter overnight and eating it for breakfast, but that's just what happens (with a slight degree of creative license). I heard something recently about when you know you've been single too long. It's when you've been patting the dog so long, and so hard, it now runs away from you. I've been house sitting for a week now, and my Aunt's dog already flees when I come on my hugging warpath, screaming for the Noo Noo at the top of my lungs, like an Irish husband. Poor dog hardly has a spinal cord left, just crumbs of bones orbiting a nervous system from a decade of patting in a short amount of time. I've had this desire to have someone near me so badly since a very young age, so I find it easy to fall in love very quickly, and it can manifest in the creepiest of ways. I can see a girl down the street, working at a desk somewhere I happen to be, and every possible scenario plays out in my head as to the amazing things I could become with this girl. The date, watching movies together, preparing meals, and even the stereotypical "renovating a wall and a paint fight breaks out", it all plays out in my head. The sad thing though, is I'm never accurately represented in my mind. In my mind I have a permanent 5 o'clock shadow, dress in casual suits that look like winter Manhattan, overflow with confidence and reek of sexy. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I get that, but there is always a general consensus for what beauty looks like, and I feel I'm currently scoring a 3 out of 10. I can't accept what I truly look like, so how can I expect anyone else to accept me? So my lack of confidence and self hatred makes me hallucinate affections. If anyone is nice to me I take it way too far and desperately cling to a hope that they may secretly like me. Unfortunately, this effect also apples to friends. Chances are, if you're a female friend, I've seen our first date, our first child, our wedding day and all the cute little things couples do in my mind. I've been falling in love with my friends for years, and it's heart wrenching. It aches me to be this desperate. I've ruined so many good friendships over the years because of my feelings, and it seems I still can't shake the habit. I can't help the way I feel, but I can keep my mouth shut. The biggest leap I made in my progress to become a man is the ability to swallow all these feelings down and keep them there. Bury them under a tonne of hate and let them blossom into flowers with stubble. But I guess writing about it makes all my progress crumble around me.