Friday, October 12, 2012

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There has to be someone at the bottom, to feel the weight of the world as it tramples over you.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Ghosts

I've been having days where I wake up in the morning, look at myself in the mirror and think, "Shit yeah, you look good today. Things are looking up. Today is the day things change for you. You're on top of the world". Then I'll head into the world and be reminded of what other humans look like. "Oh, fuck. THAT'S what other people look like." It instantly pulls me back to reality, and destroys my confidence. When I then see myself in the mirror, It's entirely different. I see the weird growths taking up the left side of my face, the chubby cheeks, the rounded jawline. All the unmasculine things. I can convince myself i'm a good looking guy when I have only myself to compare to. Myself and my ugly roommate.
My roommate, the crackpot, serves as a constant reminder for me that some people do in fact, die alone. They serve no noble cause, leave no inspirational legacy, bear no children and date no women. He serves as an inspiration not to become him. Each night, when I leave my hovel of a man cave in search of sustenance  and see him at his shitty laptop computer, drinking iced coffee and "researching", it drives me not to ever become him. I'm intimidated by the fact that, if someone said sucking dick could cure cancer, he'd be busting down my door any second. So, i'm actively making steps to avoid becoming him, alone at 50.
I've recently become the member of a dating site, for instance  My second dating account. Only this time, I paid for it. I forked over money in the hope it'll be different to free sites. So far, it hasn't been any different. It's been static. It even tells you when someone views your profile, so I know when someone takes notice of me, but still chooses to not make contact. Thanks so much. The sweetener is, that I paid for this.
They ask you a lot of deep seeded questions about you as a person, how you think of yourself and how much money you earn. My first thought after answering the questions was "Oh god, i'm going to die alone". Again, I paid for that. I can't tell you how depressing it is to log in every time and see no activity under my updates list. Not even someone looking at my profile. I even know that it gets sent out. Each day, it gets sent out to at least one other human being as part of their matches. And I get nothing. It begs the question, what number am I? To be ignored by 95% of the female population, excluding my Nanna after her 4th drink, how unattractive can I actually be? I know i'm far from being Jon Hamm (which, in a perfect world, would be the ideal man), but surely I can't be that bad. For one thing, and this may be the only time i'll compliment myself, I find my personality to be far bigger than any other male i've met. I'm sure everyone thinks that of themselves though. It's what makes us human.
I was talking with a friend recently about the theory of a reacher and a settler. The person in each relationship who is the reacher, who ends up with someone higher than themselves, and the settler, someone who feels they've gone for someone a little less than they could have gotten. I feel, in a relationship with me, both of us are going to feel like settlers. This is the worst situation for a relationship. I feel I might be brainwashed from all the females I spend time with, as to the type of girl I will eventually want to call my wife. This girl will need to be better than said girls, without a doubt. That's love, right? But, I can't see myself doing better than the girls I have as friends. They seem to be the best, most desirable women in all the world. And who wants to be in a relationship with a guy that thinks his female friends to be better than her? No-one. I feel i've shot myself in the foot by hanging out with people who are generally, leagues ahead of myself. Who associate with people who go onto great things, and do great things themselves. I'm accepted into a circle miles above the circle i'm supposed to be in.
I'm trying to make my life go in a certain direction, to keep up with my friends and share our successes, but I keep falling behind. Things keep getting in my way. Stupid things, normally from my past. To my credit, I haven't had a child with anyone, which would be a huge setback. Not to my credit, I haven't really had an opportunity to. Truth be told, it's been at least a year since I last kissed a girl. I don't want to mention anything else, for fear that the 4 people a day in the US and Canada think i'm a real fuck up. That's right, I see you viewing my page, waddup?!?!
All in all, it's darkest before the dawn, but the dawn had better come soon. Right now, i'm in a place that isn't beneficial to anyone. I'm ignored by most of the female population, living with a ghost of my future self, surrounded by reminders of my own failure and watching my life stagnate. All I need as some goddamn profile activity!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Friend Destroyer

I don't know what I'm doing any more. Over the last few months I've witnessed my life crumble around me and my foothold slip from what I have built, and can see myself falling backwards in slow motion, about to hit the lowest point in my life. Granted my progress hasn't been much, so it is the equivalent of tripping over the side walk and stubbing your toe, but to me it feels like a black pit and I'm getting stuck at the bottom. And god it's lonely down here. Not sure if I'm a fragile, needy person or I'm legitimately alone, or my withdrawal from alcohol is effecting my mental health, but my need to have people around me is constant. However, when I do have people with me, it never seems to fill this void. It's a sign I've been single too long. People have been telling me all my life that you don't need a girlfriend. And it's true in theory. I still wake up in the morning, eat excessively, then sleep it off without any romantic aid needed. I don't think I'd be any better in Battlefield with a girlfriend around telling me I'm getting too fat. For some people though, that's exactly what they want. It's what I want. I have a strong urge to have someone help me get off my ass and put the leftovers in a container, then put that container in the fridge, instead of leaving it on the counter overnight and eating it for breakfast, but that's just what happens (with a slight degree of creative license). I heard something recently about when you know you've been single too long. It's when you've been patting the dog so long, and so hard, it now runs away from you. I've been house sitting for a week now, and my Aunt's dog already flees when I come on my hugging warpath, screaming for the Noo Noo at the top of my lungs, like an Irish husband. Poor dog hardly has a spinal cord left, just crumbs of bones orbiting a nervous system from a decade of patting in a short amount of time. I've had this desire to have someone near me so badly since a very young age, so I find it easy to fall in love very quickly, and it can manifest in the creepiest of ways. I can see a girl down the street, working at a desk somewhere I happen to be, and every possible scenario plays out in my head as to the amazing things I could become with this girl. The date, watching movies together, preparing meals, and even the stereotypical "renovating a wall and a paint fight breaks out", it all plays out in my head. The sad thing though, is I'm never accurately represented in my mind. In my mind I have a permanent 5 o'clock shadow, dress in casual suits that look like winter Manhattan, overflow with confidence and reek of sexy. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I get that, but there is always a general consensus for what beauty looks like, and I feel I'm currently scoring a 3 out of 10. I can't accept what I truly look like, so how can I expect anyone else to accept me? So my lack of confidence and self hatred makes me hallucinate affections. If anyone is nice to me I take it way too far and desperately cling to a hope that they may secretly like me. Unfortunately, this effect also apples to friends. Chances are, if you're a female friend, I've seen our first date, our first child, our wedding day and all the cute little things couples do in my mind. I've been falling in love with my friends for years, and it's heart wrenching. It aches me to be this desperate. I've ruined so many good friendships over the years because of my feelings, and it seems I still can't shake the habit. I can't help the way I feel, but I can keep my mouth shut. The biggest leap I made in my progress to become a man is the ability to swallow all these feelings down and keep them there. Bury them under a tonne of hate and let them blossom into flowers with stubble. But I guess writing about it makes all my progress crumble around me.