Friday, December 9, 2011

The long awaited update

I didn't realize how long it had been since I updated this site. Granted i've been pre-occupied with my muscle building and healthy lifestyle (a joke, for all of you to share, together) but does that excuse over a year of absence?
Yes. Yes it does. Mar-fucking Skyrim!
Part of the new things happening is my new job, which is now over 6 months old, draining it of all excitement. However, I cannot recall a job that i've been so readily allowed to get smashed on in a long time. Rather than workmates, everyone is a friend. I feel like i'm back in my prime again. Go to work, greeted by everyone like i'm the Fonz.

I was invited to a workmate's 21st. That's right, straight into the regular format of back story, then fail with a woman. That's unfortunately, how I roll. What an unfortunate roll I have.

I was invited to a workmate's 21st. I've grown fond of him, but at the time I didn't really know him that well. But I didn't know anyone else either, so who the fuck cares, I went anyway.
I was, or course, very drunk. If you have gotten this far, chances are, you know of my love of drinking. If not, dear god, you have been warned.
Anyway, wanting to show my true colors and impressing all who stood before me, I ordered 2 pints and drank out of both of them. The amount of ooohs and aaahs I got were limited to "The fuck is wrong with you" and "Is that one for me?". I secretly knew they were impressed, and kept it to myself.
It was my second, amazing, awe inspiring double order when 3 girls claiming to be his friends showed up. I don't remember much, but I am pretty sure I insulted one of them at the first comment. She shall be known as Monica from now on.
So Monica was all there being offended by my previous comment. She had short, auburn hair, just to set the scene. I made some comment about how my name was just a boy and a girl's name combined to make a new one, then continued to try and convince her I was a transsexual. She was cool enough to go along with it without claiming i'm a weirdo (which I rock pretty well). We were in the middle of talking about something, when I took a bad drink from whatever it was I had (probably Fat Yak beer, brewed to perfection by Matilda Bay). I could feel a sickness rising in my throat. I was definitely going to yak.
I was using all my concentration to hold back the vomit mechanism I built for myself while she finished what she was saying, to try and not be rude. I managed to pull it off. I (from what I remember) charmingly said I needed to use the toilet, and simply strolled off into the casual sunset I had created for myself, much like a boss. From there, only pure carnage and terrible things happened, which ended with a very unhappy patron, to which I will never know. He did laugh at my inaccuracy though.
Anyway, I got back and my friend pulled me aside.
He explained that Monica had been trying to hook in with Jean Claude Van Damme (another name I will reserve for privacy's sake) and I was her...erm...backup plan? I'm not sure it that was entirely true, but the damage was already done.
I felt like a bit of a peanut. The worst bit. The bit people tell you to bite off and throw in the bin, in case it's bad for you.
She started cuddling me and I felt more and more defensive. True, she was only doing what so many guys do to girls all the time (from what I've heard) but it felt wrong.
In the end, she came out, quite bluntly, her intention and shot her down with what little dignity I had left. She added me on Facebook and left for the promised land of Northbridge.
Later on, I accepted her friend request. This was after I got home, drank myself stupid and cried myself to sleep (but not for realzies). We started talking sober, and I discovered that she was actually a really cool girl. Her favorite movie was Casablanca, she had a wicked sense of humor, she did things I considered to be cute. Funny and cultured is my kind of girl. However, we met up a few times and I think she was intent on punishing me for rejecting her.
She spoke of her other relationships, how she wished she had a boyfriend, how crappy my taste in totally awesome zombie movies with cameos by Bruce Willis were. Although she said she didn't mind Garden State, so not all was lost.
Perhaps, one day, when I link this to her in case she gets offended and tries to sue me for 1m dollars, and she'll understand what was going through my head. Just for closure's sake.
Until then, I guess i'll have to just continue hanging outside her bathroom window. Haha, KIDDING MONICA!

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