Monday, December 6, 2010

Irresponsibility

I'm a solid under-achiever. I have been for as long as I remember. Only now I am not comfortable with it, but in the early stages of my life, I could under-achieve more than Danny Green. In school, I spent most of my days fucking about, socializing. Nice one. I'm now king awesome.
Today, I beat myself blue over my shortcomings. It's all come down to maturity and responsibility. I'm never on top of things, I postpone too often, I fuck up too much. I have this constant need for acceptance and positive re-enforcement because of this. I need to know if I'm sharpening a pencil correctly. I get nervous if someone watches me work, hoping I'm doing the right thing. It makes me wonder if anyone really feels responsible.
I look at my close friends and can see them far more mature than me. They have relationships, bills to pay, housework to do, bodies to maintain. I idolize them for how they go about things with grace, even controlling their stress appropriately. Juggling work and study is enough pain, without having to put up with my shit, even squeezing in enough time for a lunch date on breaks. They also invest a lot of time into me.
One of the girls I speak of agreed to help me lose weight. She monitored my weight, kept a book, advised me everyday, encouraged me, praised me, touched my sweaty torso to measure me; all done from sheer generosity and love. In return I've complained then given up. Not sure if that is an effort from irresponsibility or immaturity, but I sure as hell feel like a shithead.
I can tell as I'm writing this, it's not my usual style. I'm not writing this with such a reflective humor. I'm writing this because today I was told to get my finger out. After 2 years at my place of work, and another 16 months doing the same job, I've been told I'm a shithouse store man and need to pull my finger out. After 21 years of life and experience, I'm still not yet able to work properly. When I'm surrounded with friends that work so well, so hard and organize themselves for the future so well, I feel like the weakest link of a chain, a failure of my generation, a joke.
Nothing has changed.

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